on motherhood & being comfortable

2013-08-12 07.58.56

There really isn’t time for me to write today. But I’m making time. The apartment currently looks like a bomb went off because I’ve been going through stuff, packing stuff; sorting, folding, stuffing… What would happen if I threw it all off the balcony? Don’t think that thought hasn’t crossed my mind more than once.

But it’s all good. My strength is organization (most of the time! Pregnancy Brain is nothing compared to Baby Brain, at least in my experience), so I hope to have everything back to normal-ish by the time Matt gets home from work. And a batch of cookies baked and a chicken pot pie ready to go in the oven. Too ambitious you say? I could not agree with you more. Take out, anyone?

Right now I’m going to re-heat my coffee for the third time and write. Stream of consciousness style. While Baby Boy sleeps.

Speaking of sleep… We’re starting the slow transition out of co-sleeping & night nursing around these parts. Slow. And painful. For me and my mother’s heart at least. I never planned on writing about co-sleeping or night nursing on the blog, but it’s on my mind today so I guess I will.

We’ve co-slept on and off pretty much since day one when newborn Isaac made it pretty clear he hated his bassinet. He slept in his crib at naptime and usually started the night there. In fact, things were going pretty well with crib sleeping and night sleeping until four month old Isaac hit a growth spurt?…or started teething?…or a sleep regression?

The rest is history. Last week nine month old Isaac slept 8 1/2 hours straight. In his crib. Without waking up. For the first time in months. And I lay in bed, awake (of course), wondering what I’d done differently to cause this amazing phenomenon. I shouldn’t have wasted a thought on it; the next night everything was back to normal 😉 And cue co-sleeping/night nursing, the continuing story.

Two days ago we sold our couch set. What does that have to do with co-sleeping/night nursing you may ask? Well, we decided to turn the living room of our one bedroom apartment into a [studio] bedroom and make the bedroom Isaac’s room. This turn of events re-awakened ideas of transitioning out of co-sleeping/night nursing. Last night wasn’t too bad; we made it to 3:30am with only a couple short bouts of crying and one nursing session.

And there you have it. More information than you probably wanted to know about my child’s sleep habits. More to the point than co-sleeping & night nursing – because everyone is different and every baby is different – is this idea that motherhood isn’t comfortable.

That’s been spinning around in my head for a long time now. I knew this before having a child. But, boy, do I know it now. God didn’t institute motherhood for my happiness or comfort or glorification. Motherhood is wonderful and beautiful…but it is not comfortable.

And that’s why I haven’t pushed for the transition from co-sleeping/night nursing too hard before now. (I’m still not dying on this hill to be honest. ) Because I was concerned the only reason I wanted Isaac to sleep through the night was so that I could sleep through the night (which, by the way, I didn’t do very often as a pre-mommy adult; adults have to use the restroom and get a drink in the middle of the night, too. Thankyouverymuch). I was concerned it was only for my comfort.

These days…these nights…these short months of babyhood are flying by. As desperate as I feel sometimes. As much as I just want to pull the covers up over my head sometimes. As tired as I can be…as harried as I can feel… I can’t get these moments back. Moments of cuddling and rocking and nursing and whispering “I love you’s” as Baby Boy sleeps in my arms. Feeling his sweet baby breath on my cheek. Praying over him in the dark. Waking up to his bed head and sleepy smile.

Some day soon, no matter what I do, these moments will be gone. As with every other difficult/wonderful aspect of motherhood, I don’t want to give up the priceless because of my impatience to be comfortable again. I know in my heart there is more at stake here than just sleeping through the night.

P.S. I realize there are approximately 1,000,000,000,000 different opinions on co-sleeping, night nursing, sleep training, etc. And that’s okay. There are about as many different parents/children. That’s what makes the world go around.

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