I was saved when I was four years old. My mom and dad led me to the Lord and I am so thankful. I grew up going to church, being involved in various ministries, memorizing verses in AWANAS, going on mission trips. When I was eighteen years old the Lord really got a hold of my heart and I rededicated my life to Him. I completely surrendered to His will for my life. I was so excited! I really wanted to know the Lord more, to serve Him, to follow Him.
Looking back I realize how vulnerable I was. I continued going to church, being involved in ministry, memorizing verses, going on mission trips. I even lived in Russia for seven months while I volunteered for an organization. Somewhere in my early twenties I stopped. Even though my body and my mind kept going, my heart stopped. So many things had happened to shroud my view of Jesus. Huge things for me, deep things that I couldn’t seem to get past.
It’s difficult to admit the truth sometimes, to look it in the eyes and name it. But piece by piece, Jesus as He is was shrouded by crap and half-truths and straight up lies. I was very impressionable. I was very open, very sensitive. I felt things very deeply. Those aren’t bad qualities. But they can be if they are misused by me or abused by others.
And they were.
I allowed people and circumstances to shroud my view of Jesus. Instead of allowing Jesus as He is to shape my view of those people and circumstances.
At that point in my life I believed Jesus had failed me. I believed Jesus was conditional. Jesus was memorizing Bible verses. Jesus was performing well. Jesus was being tolerant. Jesus was being perfect. Jesus was doing. Jesus was reading the Bible [just to say I did]. Jesus was a list of good things to check off. Jesus was the way I dressed [or didn’t dress]. Jesus was how much I accomplished. Jesus was outward appearances. Jesus was keeping my heart pure [whatever that meant]. Jesus was working for a church or ministry. Jesus was going on as many mission trips as possible. Jesus was hiding who I really was. Jesus was striving. Jesus was trying harder. Jesus was guilt. Jesus was condemnation. Jesus was being two-faced. Jesus was controlling.
Jesus had failed me. At least the Jesus I thought He was had failed me.
Now I am beginning to learn that’s not who Jesus is. Now I am beginning to see Jesus as He is.
Other posts in this series: