no days, only rhythms

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I looked up at the calendar yesterday, surprised to find that January is quickly coming to a close. I’m not sure why that surprises me so much, it’s just that I’ve lost track of the days.

The rhythms of sleeping, taking vitamins, eating, exercising, working through my “Before Baby” list, spending time with Matt, spending time with friends, cleaning, cooking, organizing, wondering “will this be the day?”… Well, these rhythms have over-taken me. And any awareness I had of what day it actually is has gone.

I thought I would be making rings to count down to this little boy’s due date, but I’m not. It really hasn’t entered my mind. As my midwife reminded me this week, these days are so fleeting. These days where this little boy is safe and sound, as close to my heart as he will ever physically get. These days when I have him with me constantly, as though we are one person even though we are two. These days when I carry in my body a miracle of life. I’ll never have this specific time, this pregnancy back again.

So I am savoring the rhythms. The movements this little one makes. His gentle hiccups. His tiny feet poking out here or a tiny hand there. The way he seems to arch his back and stick his tiny bottom out and straighten his legs. The way he responds when I talk to him, as though he can understand what I’m saying and wants to be in my arms as badly as I want him there.

And then I tell him he can stay inside as long as he needs to. There’s no rush. Every afternoon the contractions begin and stay until the early morning hours and then they’re gone. It’s been this way since the weekend. I can tell the intensity is slowly building, but I’m also aware it could be weeks yet until I hold this little one.

And that’s okay. Because I am holding him right now. And when the time is right, he will come; that is a guarantee. It will happen…and, all too soon, I’ll be hugging him as he goes off to college. I know the days I have with him will go by way too fast. I’m not in a hurry. I’ve waited for this and I’m going to cherish every moment.

I’m going to ride these rhythms and not worry about days.